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The Hazards of Online Dating

The Hazards of Online Dating

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When you are looking for love ‘post break up’, the whole prospect of trying to find that new special someone can be equally daunting for both sexes.


Ideally this would happen naturally in a newly opened wine bar or whilst walking the equally on trend Cockapoo; unfortunately organic meetings no longer have a common foothold and have been replaced by the endless swiping of human catalogues for potential lovers all seeking their unique needs and wants.

With Ms and Mr Right traipsing in a zombie-like dream state with their changeable expressions south facing, studying the profiles of many on their smartphones, lured into a world of internet dating followed by the mandatory hating. Those intrigued by its reputation dive quickly, regardless of the horror stories regaled by their other single pals. Yet the elegant dive is executed nonetheless and the battle and egotistical orgy of actions versus words commences, where you sink or swim and sadly often drown.

Men claim to be bombarded with adverts of escort girls, and their opinions of women seeking random “hook ups” is embedded along with their justification for constant flirting and not willing to part with their online accounts just yet.   Women start to believe that all men are players and cannot be trusted, that is until the next charmer comes along and vows to play equally as indifferent when faced with the next challenge.

With copious amounts of singletons gracing the online covens, some disengaged from reality and with those who are unsuccessful in the love stakes hanging on in there, still believing in the urban myth that a “friend of a friend” married well. The ever hopeful candidates keep striving for their prize, only to sadly end up with far more than what they bargained for. Or did they? Is this a clear miscommunication between the sexes or narcissism in its purest form disguised as harmless, dating deceit and all part of the game of moans?

From European wannabe millionaires to prestige army personnel, Ellie Lambert has sampled a few of the unforgiving lessons that internet dating provides. Even the elite, costly sites remain indifferent to the hardened Lotharios who are signed up to the less reputable ones.   Ellie’s first taste of narcissism arrived in the form of entrepreneur “Oskar Wolff” who ultimately flew her to Germany for her “sexpertise”; however her run in with unintentional player and Scottish Military Major “Angus McSnooty” proved that these tendencies and tactics were commonplace as she uncovered and in fact facilitated his new founded Tinder sex addiction.

There was only one problem, both lacked prowess in the place they longed to excel, the bedroom. Angus (with a silent G) was one middle aged illegal fox hunter, childless by choice, snobby and ruthlessly discarding after creating his own premature officer’s “mess” in her bed. The result, one huge anti-climax after having received a week of love bombing and pedestal placing, prosecco and strawberries on a picnic blanket and exquisite conversations that involved the exclusivity chat to get one’s own way and secure a night of riding his filly of choice. Surprisingly he had jumped many hurdles to get there, this included wearing every outfit from his childhood dressing up box, discussing his horsey lifestyles at every opportunity and had even offered himself up as one of Sandhurst’s and Tatler’s finest gentlemen, sadly he revealed little more of a Laird of no manners who even before bolting off back into the world of Tinder.

Having shown alarm at her pristine white underwear, obviously McSnooty was used to a more chewing gum shade of the double barrelled stable hands knickers, probably washed in with the winter rugs on a hot wash. However his grateful nature didn’t end there, as he continued to thank her for his two very quick highland flings just before checking that she had taken care of the contraception side of things. His military-style risk assessment had deemed her safe and clean enough to gallop with. Ellie decided that this cad should undergo a vasectomy, to ensure that his bloodline ends with him.  Ellie soon tweeted that it wasn’t a “strong woman” he needed, it was more a surgeon, preferably wielding a jagged, rusty knife and one that could chop his swiping fingers off at the same time as cutting and shutting his manhood.

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How do you part the wheat from the chaff from a woman’s stand point and can you protect yourself against narcissistic entrapment online? We need to wise up and size up, the only chaffing that should be felt by us ladies is knowing that you had a good night between your legs.

Dating Tip #1 – If he asks what qualities you are looking for he will probably mirror your requirements to bed you.

Dating Tip #2 – If they have more baggage than the Titanic you will drown, therefore jump ship!

Dating Tip #3 – He isn’t your fella until he acts like one! Continue with the dating at leisure and stand easy ladies.

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