5am
It’s Easter. Me and Jenny have woken up extra early because we are so excited.
We’re watching Dad’s Die Hard 2 video, eating chocolate and playing a game called ‘Smash An Egg On Your Stupid Head’ (we take it in turns to put a pan on our heads and drop Easter eggs from the top of the stairs onto each other until they smash).
11am
Granddad has come round with his new wife, Candy. Mum and Dad are still in bed, so I tell them to wait on the sofa. I make them a cup of tea, but I have to use the hot tap because the kettle’s broken.
Granddad says it’s the worst cuppa he’s ever had, and I’ll have to learn how to make a decent one if I ever want a husband. Jenny says it’s a good job we don’t ever want to get married. Granddad tells her not to be cheeky and gives us a Father Christmas-shaped Easter egg each. Candy assures us they’re still in date.
11.20am
Mum comes downstairs and I go into the kitchen to help her make more tea for Granddad. I tell her what he said to me about getting a husband. “If you want a sexist arse of a husband like Granddad, then you should learn to make a good cup of tea,’ she tells me. “Otherwise, don’t bother.”
11.30am
Granddad asks Mum if she likes Candy’s new hair. Mum says, “Yes, it’s very different.”
“What type of fish is her hair?” he asks Mum. She says she doesn’t know what he’s on about. “It’s a red mullet!” says Granddad, and laughs on his own for a while.
12pm
The phone rings on the table. I answer it. It’s Nanny Pam. She says she’s coming round in a bit to give us our eggs. I’m worried, because Nanny Pam and Granddad don’t like each other any more.
Granddad asks me if that was Pamela. I say it was. “When she comes round, tell her she owes me at least 50 quid for selling all my stuff at the car boot sale. Some of that crap was priceless,” he says.
Candy says she has to get home to record Look Who’s Talking off the telly.
1pm
Granddad and Candy have left. Nanny Pam has come round with more Easter eggs. She gives me ones from her and Colin, and a Cadbury Creme Egg with 50p Sellotaped to it off my Aunty Irene.
Aunty Irene isn’t my real aunty; she’s just one of Nanny Pam’s friends from the fag counter in Tesco.
1.30pm
Nanny Pam has a coffee and asks me about Granddad and Candy. She asks if Candy wears nice clothes. I say Candy’s clothes are okay, but that her hair is a type of fish – a red mullet. That makes Nanny Pam laugh a lot.
I tell Nanny Pam that she owes Granddad at least 50 quid. She says he owes her the last 20 years of her life back, and the silver service set he nicked when he ran off with “bootleg Barbie”.
4pm
Nanny Pam has gone. Me, Jenny and Dad are sat on the sofa eating our Father Christmas Easter eggs and watching Father Of The Bride. I tell Dad I think this has been the best Easter of my life.
